Love does not consist of gazing at eachother,

But in looking together in the same direction.
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The last couple of days have been surprisingly great.

Tuesday I got a phone call at the end of the day that put me in a positively awful mood. I'm just so mad at how selfish some of my grantees are. I understand that the economy is rough and we're all in need of money, but calling me and yelling at me every day to give you more money is not going to do anything. I can't just give away money. So pretty much I was in a crabby mood when I left work. I went to school and *finally* met with my partners for my genetics project. Neither of them seems very intelligent which means I'll likely do the whole thing by myself. Then went to econ where my professor continued to hit on me. Oh well. If it gets me an A.

Yesterday I was positively dreading as I've been explaining for the past week. I woke up still grouchy from my bad phone call and almost called in to work, but sucked it up and went in. And then got a text from the Ex as soon as he woke up that said "Hey, are you doing okay?" He can be so sweet when he wants to be. I told him I was doing fine so far and he replied "Good, have a good day, don't stress, don't think about it, and call me if you need anything." I was still having a rather bad day due to my shitty PDs and grantees and the fact that I was late and starting to get worried, so I called to schedule a massage for the afternoon. Made it through work, got my eye brows waxed, bought Twilight (love it!), a bottle of wine, got my massage, and then Chipotle for dinner. then went home, drank my bottle of wine, watched twilight and went to bed at 8 after texting The Ex "wish Steve happy bday for me. I miss you darling. Call me today or tomorrow please. I miss the sound of your voice." Yea, I'm precious when I'm drunk. Got a text at 11ish saying "I'm home babe, want to do lunch tomorrow?" And I said yes and then he called. We talked for a bit and then I fell back asleep. And he kinda said he loves me. He was saying something, probably that I'm crazy, and I replied "yea yea, that's why you love me." And he said "yea, I know."

Today we went out to lunch and he paid. He never ever pays for my lunch. Or dinner. Or movies. Or anything. At least, not since we broke up. And he let me have a bite of his food. Not that that's anything new, we always share food. And he got my drink for me. And held the door and helped me out of the car, and pretty much was just a total gentleman. And we just sat and chatted and ate lunch for an hour. And he walked me back into work. And he blushed. He was absolutely precious.

So I'm pretty sure we're dating. And I'm happy. And he's happy. And really, that's all that matters. No, he's not technically my boyfriend. No, he's not even technically dating me. His friends may not approve. My friends may not approve. Our families may be confused. But we're both happy. Doing whatever we're doing. We do lunch. We go out. I can call him when I need him and he can call when he needs me. We're both faithful to eachother (minus the Canada incident.) Sure, we may not have a normal relationship, but him and I aren't normal. We never have been. For the past while I've been forcing us into something we don't fit as. Him and I arent the picture perfect couple. We scream. We fight. We drive eachother crazy. We hate eachother. We hate eachother's friends. We hate eachother's families. We both have tempers. We're both sensitive and over dramatic. And that's why we're perfect for eachother. Because we're both nuts and we love eachother anyways.

Love is a many splendored thing- Grease

Well, talk about a roller coaster weekend. I'm not sure if I want to put it all out there because some people are really critical of the Ex, as you have every right to be, but I think we may be on the road to recovery. Sigh... it's nice to be able to say that. Also, before I recap, take a minute to look down one post. I've joined Ben of No Ordinary Rollercoaster (my computer's blocking the link, so look on the blog roll if you want to read) to raise money for doggies like his dachsunds and my Roscoe. All the money will be donated to animal shelters. It's a great cause, so please donate if you can. Just click on the link in the below post. And spread the word to help doggies!

Now.. onto the Ex update...

Friday, the Ex and I had a "non-date" as I took to calling it. Meaning, it's everything a normal couple would do on a date, but not a date. He came over and we had some amazing sex. Then we just laid in bed and cuddled for an hour. He held me and he told me more about Quebec. He said that it's beautiful and romantic and he'd love to take a girl there sometime. It was great. We haven't had one of our cuddle talks in such a long time, I've missed them. He even rubbed my back... I love back rubs... Then we went out to dinner where I proceeded to drink a mango rum drink with a shot of chambourd (so yummy) and a gigantic peach long island iced tea. Yea.. I was feeling pretty good. We discussed the demise of our relationship, whether we could ever see ourselves back together, whether we wanted to be in a relationship, etc etc. Then he dropped me off and held me and kissed me goodnight and walked me to the door. It was perfect. Then he called me to say goodnight once he got home. It was just like it used to be when we dated.

Saturday, I was supposed to go to Towson, but I ended up sleeping all day. I didn't wake up until 5:30pm. (I had gone to bed at 10 the night before.) Then by the time Tina called me to have me come up (at 8) I was ready for bed again. This sinus infection is kicking my butt. So I declined and went to bed after texting The Ex to let him know I'd be home if he wanted to call. He said that he planned on watching all the college hockey games so he likely wouldn't, so I went to bed. Then he called at 11pm to have me keep him company while he watched the game. We chatted about hockey and what not for an hour until the game was over. Then he stayed on the phone with me til we fell asleep.

Sunday, I had crazy amounts of errands to run since I slept all day on Saturday. I went to Target to buy tupperware for lunch, the mall to help david buy some AE and Aero shirts (he doesn't trust my mom's judgement), the library to research multiple in vitro pregnancies for genetics (they didn't have any books), and the grocery store to buy lunch meat and such which I've realized I don't actually like. The Ex called Sunday night to just chat for 5 minutes and tell me that he couldn't get Twilight to copy. Then I got a text from another friend asking me if I was still looking for a relationship b/c his friend saw my pic and was interested. So I said yes and then texted The Ex to tell him that I was being set up on a blind date and he kirked. He was all "I thought we were working on getting back together, etc, etc." So we got in a big fight. I was mad that he got mad at me when I wanted to date but wouldn't commit to a relationship with me. He got mad that I was mad. We ended up just going to bed angry at eachother.

Monday, I didn't text him in the AM like I usually do. It wasn't until 10am that we spoke when he texted me to apologize for being a jerk. He said that he was jealous and that he didn't want to hold me back from dating b/c he didn't know for sure that he was ready to get back together but that he had a lot of fun this weekend. Pretty much him giving me his usual "I love you, but I am scared of commitment" thing. Finally I was just like "look, I'm not going to convince you to date me. You love me, you have fun with me, and we're bffs. If you don't want me, you're crazy." And he replied "Only because you drive me crazy" And I said "You were crazy long before I met you" and we just sort of let it go.

Today, he texted me and asked me to lunch. Then told me he had to go to a meeting with Ashley so he couldn't do lunch. He called me "dear" though. And I didn't get mad, I just said okay. So then he asked me to the hockey game on Friday, but all the tickets are ridiculously expensive, so instead we're going to the movies. Then we're going to the Caps game on Sunday. It's like we're dating again. Just without a title. It's nice. I like it.

And I did talk to that guy who saw my pic through his friend. But he doesn't have a job. And he's a baseball fan. Baseball is the biggest turn off for me. As soon as a guy mentions baseball its like my va-jay-jay withers up and dies. Yucky baseball.

Help The Doggies

There shall be signs in the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars~Jesus

My horoscope:
March 27, 2009
The Sun, ruler of our human ego, gets together with Venus, the planet of love. Bliss is in the body of the beholder, beauty is in the eye, but the urge to please a lover surpasses previous physical and spiritual highs. Are you falling in love again?

Yes... yes I am.

I'm feeling a million times better than I was earlier. Tony dragged me to lunch and I splurged and bought $6 chocolate chocolate chip cookies. So yummy, but soooo sinful.

Then as we were driving in from lunch, we ran into the geese. See, there are these 2 geese that nest at my work every spring. And they're back. Yesterday they pooped all over the side walk (and they have big poops, fyi) and chased me to my car. Today they just sat in the middle of the road. We couldn't go around them, and I didn't want to go through them, so luckily I found a spot before them. But lo and behold, who comes around the corner after me but The Ex. He drives up to the geese, he honks, he honks again. They don't move. He inches forward a bit and the female still sits there, but the male waddles away so The Ex can drive by. Of course, I stayed to make sure he didn't hit the poor birdies, so then he gets out of the car and attempts to chase them out of the road by walking up to them. The geese just sit there. the male hissed a bit. But they didn't do anything. I'm worried about them. I don't want anyone to hit them accidently. Any ideas on how to get two geese to learn to not sit in the middle of the road? Or maybe potty train them?

Why Love if losing hurts so much?

We love to know that we are not alone.
~C.S Lewis

I'm feeling very serious today. So serious that I almost want to cancel the not-a-date with The Ex. I'm just not in the mood to watch I Love You Man and mess around (hockey tickets got sold in exchange for play off tix.) I'm definitely in the mood to lay in bed and cuddle, but that won't happen. That's the thing I miss most about being single. I miss cuddling. I even texted The Ex earlier this week telling him the one thing I miss about us is being able to hug and cuddle with him after a crappy day. I know that there are some girls out there who love to cuddle and are fine cuddling with their friends, but that's not me. I like having a guy wrap his arms around me and comfort me. And the Ex is so big that he's the perfect guy to cuddle with. I'm not sure why I'm feeling so sad, I guess because I'm PMSing and I'm emotional, but idk. The Ex and I's anniversary is next week. April 1st. It would have been 5 years. We never make a big deal out of our anniversary because we both tend to be tight on money this time of year between tax season and saving for vacations. Plus it's his step-Dad's bday. I always hated that we never made a big deal out of our anniversary. We usually didn't even go out to dinner b/c we'd have to go out to dinner for his step-Dad's bday and we can't afford to do 2 fancy dinners in a row. I always held out hope that one year things would be different though. This year it's different... we're not together. I was thinking about this last night and it made me think about Isabella. That's another melancholy day for me, but I'm not quite ready to talk about her yet. I'll probably write something around May 31st. I don't know what to do about the outing tonight. I'm sitting at my desk and tearing up (thank god no one works on Fridays) so I can't imagine myself going out tonight and being cheerful. Going out with him is already difficult enough because of all the emotions surrounding us. I wish I could explain to him how I feel, but I don't think he'd understand. I'm a very unemotional person in real life, so it's very rare that I actually tell him when I'm sad and need a cuddle. Which means when i do, he feels completely out of his element and freaks out. He's the emotional one. He calls me at least once a month crying and needing comfort. I guess I'll just wait and see. Maybe by this afternoon I'll be feeling a bit better.

Time to Relax

So I did end up dropping my class yesterday. I wasn't going to do well on the midterm and with the two assignments I'd already missed.. there was no point. Instead I went home and had a lovely girls night in.. by myself.

I was thinking about going to get a pedicure to welcome in spring and flip flop season (not that it's showing itself with the wonderful 40 degree weather we're having) but considering I can't touch my foot without screaming in pain (I never knew sprained ankles hurt so badly) I figured that going to see my sadistic nail salon people was out of the question. So I got out my parafin wax thingy that I got for christmas and gave myself a moisturizing treatment. It was so nice. Then I slathered on my dead sea uber moisturizing cream and my feet and hands are quite nice today, if I do says so myself.

Then I made a yummy dinner of cheesy scrambled eggs and tomato soup (I know, I eat weird stuff)

I also watched Twilight, which is my favorite movie ever. I wasn't expecting much b/c everyone said that movie was awful compared to the book, but I really enjoyed it. Mainly because just seeing Edward almost made me orgasm... who is that boy and where can I find him?

Then I texted The Ex and asked him if he could come over real quick before pool b/c Edward had me all hot and bothered and he replied "I had a bad day, it's better to just leave me alone b/c I wont be friendly." Which really isn't that mean compared to things he's said before, but he'd been so nice lately that it hurt my feelings. Even earlier yesterday when I emailed him info about HCC (we're both taking summer classes there) he asked me if I was taking anything he needed b/c he wanted to take a class with me. So my feelings were hurt and I went to bed early.

Then he called me at 9 crying and apologizing. Saying that I deserved to be treated better than that. Then as we were on the phone I got 4 text messages from him saying that he was sorry and please don't be mad and that he was leaving pool b/c he was too sick. I guess my phone wasn't recieving them and he thought I'd been ignoring his texts. Oops. Not that I told him that. I told him that what he said was mean and it hurt my feelings and that I was sleeping and I'd talk to him later.

Then I texted him this morning and asked him how he was feeling.. he's still sick (pink eye and an upper repiratory infection) so i told him to sell the tickets for the game on Friday and he was all "why would I do that? You don't want to go with me anymore, do you?" He's so insecure when I'm not fawning all over him. But I told him I'd like to go b/c I haven't been to a game in a while. But now he's being super sweet to make up for his bad behavior yesterday. he even offered me a ticket to play offs (we're hosting the frozen four this year and the Caps cinched a spot yesterday thanks to a few teams losing.) So things with him are good for the moment.

I also started looking at what classes I wanted to take this summer and fall. This summer I know I'm taking "conditioning" at HCC. UMBC requires 2 phys ed classes to graduate (yuck) and of course I'm putting them off til the last possible minute. And I may take a class with The Ex to get some extra credits. Next fall I'm definitely taking an upper level econ class (hopefully health econ if I can get into it) and Intermediate Micro Analysis (I'm dreading it) and then a bunch of random upper levels (probably in psyc and socy since I'm good in those subjects.) I'm pretty much done with all my required classes. I have a couple upper level econ classes left. Other than that I just have to make up for the upper level credits that I'm lacking. I'm so close to graduating (another 3 or 4 semesters depending on credit hours), which seems far since Christina's graduating in 2, but The Ex has at least another 6 and he graduated 2 years before me from high school.

Also, a good book to read - Fangs but No Fangs by Kathy Love. It's a little slow in the beginning, but really picks up. Another vampire romance. I love them.

I think that's pretty much everything of interest. I've been boring lately. But Friday is my non date with The Ex and Saturday I have plans to "play" with Christina. I haven't been out to the Towson bars in far too long so I'm excited. And it's already Thursday, and halfway through Thursday, so I just have classes tonight and work tomorrow and then it's the weekend. Yay! So now I'm going to do some calc homework and hopefully start writing some papers that are due in the next month or 2. Which means I'll be doing them the night before they're due since I've been attempting to get myself to start them since December and apparently I'm an expert procrastinator.

After much anticipation

I'm finally back! I know you were all worried. So be ready for a super long Spring break/Plague/Ex recap. Enjoy...

So Friday of 2 weeks ago, I went to the dentist. Where they proceeded to give me novicaine in every part of my mouth except where they were working. It hurt. Apparently my cavity also went down to the nerve which hurt even more. I cried. Paid $150 for them to cause me this pain. And went home. Packed. And then went to bed really early b/c it hurt.

Saturday morning, Christina called me bright and early and told me to come over and pick her up. So I wake up, drive over, and call her to let me in. 20 minutes later she calls me to tell me she fell asleep. Finally about an hour behind our scheduled leave time even though we woke up an hour early... we leave. And drive. And drive. And drive some more. I think we talked about Chuck Palahnuck (Christina's author crush) for like 7 hours. And we stopped at Cracker Barrel on the way for breakfast which was awesome. And we partook in smoking in a restaurant (we're not allowed to do the in the MD.) The GPS started acting up on us in the middle of the trip, telling us that we weren't driving on a road or that we were going the wrong way down a road (we were driving on 95, I'm pretty sure that's a road and that we were driving in the direction of traffic) and was telling us "turn left in 8 yards" while going 90 mph... fun times. We got a bit loopy towards the end of the trip and came up with such memorable quotes as:

• I can't laugh, it's too much!
• Have a scratch? Use a biscuit (from a sign saying Homemade Scratch Biscuits)
• Did he just say 'I'm a creature, sweating in my pubes'? (some song on a random CD)
• Yea, it smells good. It smells like wood (discussing Christina's perfume)
• Naughty branch (we passed a road called Knotty Branch)
• I have scoby of the dick! (idk)
• Covet thy neighbor's Jesus!

We finally arrived at Myrtle beach and went to dinner at Joe's Crab Shack and had an amazingly yummy feast. We got mussels marinara, seafood stuffed mushrooms, fried calamari, crab dip, and spinach and artichoke dip. Between the 2 of us we ate all of it. It was amazing. And I had my first pina colada. And she had a "shark bite" which is a bunch of liquor that is blue colored and you pour a shot glass of grenadine (in a shark) into it, so it looks like blood. Then we went home, sorted out the sheets (which took an hour) and then went to bed at 9:30. We're old women.

Sunday we woke up and just hung out until the boys got there at 7ish, when we started drinking. I fell madly in love with this guy Andy who was absolutely gorgeous. Then a bunch more people came over, but I didn't feel good, so I went to bed early. Everyone else stayed up until like 6am.

Monday... Monday was an interesting day. I don't remember most of it. We went to Sonic (my new love) for lunch, then Melina and Toppe came over. They went to pick up a keg and a handle of rum for me. We started drinking at like 3. Sometime through the night I finished a bottle and a half of wine and almost half a handle of rum. Plus I did a couple shots of vodka. I was wasted. We went to the hot tub. We played electricity. We played pong. I fell down some stairs. We finally made it to the bar at 10 or 11. I drank something.. idk what. I ordered "something really alcoholic and yummy." I fell off a platform into a group of guys. I danced with everyone. I got in a fight with some guy named Vince because he was calling us all bitches. I went to the bathroom and cried. I met some girls and we all danced. I danced with Christina, Andy, Steve, Melina. I danced on a stage type thing. My mom called to tell me my cat missed me and was humping his stuffed animal. We left. I went to another bar, paid the cover, got a glass of water, then left b/c it was too smoky. Got hit on by 3 40 year old men, found a cab. The cab somehow found my condo (I couldn't remember the address, so he just drove up and down the street until I recognized it,) then I went to bed.

Woke up the next morning and my ankle was swollen. Really swollen. I couldn't walk. we went to a diner and got food. I hobbled to the hot tub. We slept. Woke up and decided we needed to drink. After all, it's St. Patrick's day. I got a text from The Ex saying that he missed me and that he was being good and couldn't wait to see me. He called me babe. We played Fuck the dealer. I drank a lot. Andy kept making me drink. Some people went back to the bar. Christina, me, andy, steve, and pego stayed home. Where I announced that my goal of the night was to screw andy (I'd been flirting with him all weekend). Pego, andy, and I went to the gas station to buy beer. Pego took a turn at 40mph, I wasn't wearing my seat belt, and went head first into the door handle. Andy was really sweet and worried and asked me if I was okay about a billion times. I was too drunk to notice it hurt. Went back home, made funnel cake, had a sugar war. We all got in our bathing suits and got in the bath tub. I think I cuddled with Andy. Then Andy and I decided to get on the pull out couch and watch Charlie Bartlett and it was pretty inferred that we were going to hook up. And Pego got jealous and told the boys they were all going home. Andy told me he wished that he could "watch Charlie Bartlett with me" and gave me a hug. Christina and I went to bed.

Woke up the next morning and cleaned. My eye was rather cut up, my ankle was still swollen, and my cold wasn't any better. Christina and I went out to dinner. Came home, cleaned, decided we were going to drive home that night. I went shopping for some souvenirs. Got a text from The Ex telling me that he slept with someone else. Called Christina crying. She thought I'd been raped. Came back to the condo, cried, explained to Christina what happened, cried, packed, took a shot of vodka, packed, cleaned, snorted some Adderall, cleaned (all the while talking to The Ex and making up), drove home. I don't remember that drive. We left SC at 11pm. Got home at 7. driving at night goes by really fast. I remember Christina talking a lot about teaching.

Got home Thursday and went to bed, slept. Woke up, took Nyquil, talked to The Ex, and slept. Repeated until sunday morning when my parents dragged me to the doctor. Turns out I had a sinus infection and an ear infection. Passed out at the doctor b/c I was so dehydrated since I hadn't eaten or drank anything but Nyquil in 4 days. Got antibiotics. Went back to bed.

Worked Monday like crazy b/c I was so behind. Worked Tuesday like crazy b/c I was so behind. And that brings us to today. I'm finally feeling better. Still can't walk without wrapping my ankle. The Ex and I are getting along really well. He called me every day this weekend to check how I was doing. we texted all day Monday and he invited me to the hockey game on Friday. Yesterday we talked for an hour about nothing, like we used to when we were dating. He told me (again) that he wants to get back together in a few years. I told him I wasn't going to wait around for him. he offerred to help me burn a DVD. I told him to sell the hockey tix on Friday and get a room with me. He declined and instead asked me out to the fancy restaurant at the hockey rink and told me he'd pick me up (does this sound like a date to anyone else?) Told me that the girl he slept with meant nothing to him, that he was a total dick to her (he came on her face and took a pic), that he couldn't cum when he was screwing her, and that he wouldn't have done it had he not been totally drunk. I also found out I got a 77/80 on my macro midterm which makes me super happy b/c that's the hardest class I've ever taken. Got a 13/15 on the calc quiz I took without studying or doing any of the homework or going to class. Got a 77 on my bio test, which was kind of disapointing, but her tests are way hard (the avg was a 55.) I have a econ exam today, but i'm contemplating dropping this class b/c I've already missed a couple assignments b/c I was sick and I just don't feel like I am prepared for this test. I could probably get a C if I work my butt off, but I'd rather drop it and be able to focus on some of my other classes and get good grades in 15 credits instead of bad ones in 18. So I'll probably drop it. Then I don't have to go to class and can watch twilight instead. Yea, I know, I'm lazy, but I'm just so tired and still not feeling my best. And this post was really rather dull and not at all as much fun as my spring break trip, but a lot of that trip is filled with drunken black holes and my brain feels like a giant black hole at the moment b/c I haven't slept well lately. And I'm going to stop rambling and do work now.